Frustrating Dreams

Now that the Super Bowl is over, I can officially say I feel just like the Cardinals do. To come so close, to think you have it won, only to lose it in the end.

I wanted the Cardinals to win, though I am not totally unhappy to see the Steelers take it either. Still, it would have been a great story to see a franchise with a perpetual losing history take the whole thing.

I did not watch the game. I was working on things I needed for my job - which leads me to what I am writing now. As I write this, I am doing a job I really do not like all that much. I am a Reading, Writing, and Social Studies teacher. I love the teaching aspect. It is a blast being able to touch the lives of my students; to show them they can be better than what they are. Yet, my heart is not fully into it as I am teaching in areas that are ok, but are not my passion.

When I received my Teacher Certification in Speech Communication in December, 2007 - I really thought the world would be open to me. I spent all summer looking for a place that would let me teach in my field. There was some interest, but nothing really firm. A Christian school put an offer on the table, took it off, then put it on again. I had to say "No" to it because I could not feed my family on what they offered me. So, I ended up taking a position with a school that pays me as a sub, but works me as a full time teacher. It is valuable experience to be sure. Still, it is more than I had bargained for.

I have been dragging my feet to add the certification in Reading and Writing because the more I teach those subjects, the more I miss teaching Speech and Communications. I always believed that when God gave you a passion for something, He would open the door for you to live out that passion. I am discovering that is not always true.

I admit, some of my current situation is my own fault. If I had pushed harder to take the exams needed for additional certifications. If I had studied a different subject area in school. If....if....if.... Those "ifs" only add to the frustration, the pain I now feel and have been feeling for a few months now. Why can't I teach what I love to teach? Why can't I find a job that will let me use the skills and knowledge in the field of communication? What am I doing wrong now?

There are days I just want to cry - this being one of them. Just like the Cardinals - I can see the dream being lived by others, but I can't seem to taste that dream myself. It hurts. I feel sad, I feel angry, and I feel trapped.

It is not a good place to be.

Mr. Keb